The Problem with “Me”
I have many former training partners who could write an essay on this subject. Fear not; I’m not here to indulge in self-flagellation or personality bashing. It’s to share a really simple, perhaps obvious, insight I’ve had. It’s an insight which may be helpful for you too because it’s possible that you’ve got a problem with yourself too.
I think it’s fair to say that, like most Twenty year-olds, I had myself on my mind a lot. My life was focused 100% on me, who I was, what I wanted to do, and where I wanted to go. My aspirations and dreams. As a result, I found my twenties to be very challenging. If you’d asked me then, I would have put that down to the elite-level sport I was doing. Maybe the 3 surgeries I’d had, failing to get selected to represent my country despite being in the UK All-time top 20, or the numerous failed relationships.
The funny thing is that, in hindsight, that answer doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. It just isn’t true. None of those things was a consistent factor. Two of my surgeries didn’t particularly stress me, and in fact, I jumped a PB within 10 weeks of having one of them. Moreover, life's challenges didn’t vanish when I retired. There’s been the transition to a civilian lifestyle and finding a new purpose, parenthood and trying to grow a business. If I were a gambling man I’d put money on the fact that there are further challenges to come!
A favourite TV show will probably get axed. Business plans won’t go to plan. Loved ones are inevitably going to die. This is the nature of life. To quote Syd Banks,” Life is a contact sport.” Even if we sit on the sidelines, life will happen. Trying to protect ourselves from this isn’t possible, and I would suggest it is the wrong focus. As I’ve pointed out with my surgeries, we do have the ability to experience them with more ease and grace. The clue to how I would propose is hidden in plain sight within our sporting careers.
Before I get into that I wanted to share another personal story which demonstrates the point and is on theme with surgery. A couple of years ago, my dad received a test kit through the post. It was from the NHS, a mass mail out to men of his age who were at the highest risk of colon cancer. I wasn’t aware of this; until weeks later, when my dad sat me down to tell me that the test had been positive. I don’t think that I’ll forget that. Nor the following feeling of intense nausea and dry heaving. The thought of him dying hit me like a train, like so many, my dad means the world to me and has been my sounding board for so many tricky decisions.
Now here’s the curious thing. In the following weeks, I didn’t give it that much thought. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, I just knew that there was nothing that I could do. It rarely then came to mind. More time passed and he had to have an operation to have part of his bowel removed. Something else that I don’t think I will forget is visiting him in hospital. The hour and a half we spent talking. It was so rare that neither of us had anything to do but be in each other's presence and enjoy our conversation. The feeling was truly beautiful, and I would struggle to cite a time that I have enjoyed more with my dad than this. That’s right, him in a gown, in a hospital, after having surgery. Neither of us knowing if they’d got all of the cancer or not.
Truth flies in the face of convention and is hidden in plain sight. In our sporting careers we all have days where we have less on our mind. During my time visiting my dad his health wasn’t on my mind. When I jumped my personal bests, I wasn’t on my mind. How well will I do? And the boat load of meaning that I had associated with it. The truth of this continues now, when I’m too involved in my business, it and my performance sucks!
This is the problem with “me”. I slip into the illusion that life is all about me, that life is personal when it isn’t. The freedom that I and my clients find resides in looking at the impersonal nature of life and our psychology. Looking before all personal thought, at the mechanics of the mind.
Life keeps showing me that when I’m in the impersonal, I love more, I’m more present, and I perform beyond anything I could imagine.
That’s what I want for you.
